


Creative Cooking

by parasolevi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, I don't think Mikasa says anything how did I miss this I'm trash, Non-Binary Hange Zoë, questionable use of rations, things never turn out well for anyone involved, why did we let Hanji near the kitchen, why did we let me near funny prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-05
Updated: 2014-07-05
Packaged: 2018-02-07 13:43:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1901163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parasolevi/pseuds/parasolevi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Usually, there was a cook at the Scouting Legion headquarters- some woman from the countryside who was too old to really work the land anymore- but she had fallen ill, and there was no one from the surrounding land to replace her in the kitchen on such short notice. </p><p>Luckily, there was a volunteer from among the soldiers. </p><p>Not so fortunately, this volunteer happened to be Hanji Zoe, resident eccentric.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Creative Cooking

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place some time after Annie joins the MP and the deaths of Marco and Levi's squad. Which is why they don't show up. (okay so it's probably more to do with my inability to include everyone which is why a bunch of the people not killed off yet are seemingly not present. That or they're just very very quiet... We're gonna go with that.)
> 
> From [this](http://snkkink.dreamwidth.org/13546.html?thread=8408554) prompt on the snkkinkmeme.

Usually, there was a cook at the Scouting Legion headquarters- some woman from the countryside who was too old to really work the land anymore- but she had fallen ill, and there was no one from the surrounding land to replace her in the kitchen on such short notice. 

Luckily, there was a volunteer from among the soldiers. 

Not so fortunately, this volunteer happened to be Hanji Zoe, resident eccentric. 

As soon as they were in the kitchen and out of earshot, muttered conversations immediately struck up over whether or not they all might just be better off going to bed without dinner that night. 

When Hanji stuck their head back in through the doors to the mess hall they were brandishing a large meat cleaver. “Why are you all still sitting around in here? Go work up an appetite before dinner!” Not even Levi dared to protest, and there was a mass exodus out of the mess hall. It appeared there was no one particularly keen on being last in the retreat from Hanji holding a sharp object. 

Each member of the Scouting Legion looked at one another before settling down on the grass to prepare for the worst. With Hanji’s experimental scientific tendencies, there was no telling what lay in store for dinner. The silence was tense, broken only by the occasional nervous gulp, until the air was split with a sound like a lightning strike. Heads whipped towards Eren, expecting a transformation. The titan shifter sat there, looking just as bewildered and human as the rest of them.

“What the shit was that, Jaeger?” Jean jibed, “Trouble getting it up?”

“It wasn’t me, fuck o-”

“Um, guys?” Christa interjected quietly, “I think we know what it was.” She pointed towards the building closest to the group. A cloud of smoke puffed out of the windows, bringing with it the faintest smell of rotting cabbage and prompting a small moan from Moblit. The man promptly buried his face in his hands, Nanaba rubbing his back in sympathy. 

Sasha’s stomach growled. She glared down at it in alarm, “You traitor! I’m gonna kill you!”

Next to her, Bertholdt visibly startled and Connie smiled at him apologetically over her head. 

“Sorry, she’s being over dramatic, it happens when she gets hungry sometimes.” He stood and pulled at her hand. “C’mon, let’s go fill your stomach with water so your stomach won’t make you get seconds of whatever Hanji’s cooking up.”

As the two of them ventured off to get a drink, Sasha could still be heard proclaiming that she’d rather devour a titan than anything that smelled like bad cabbage, her stomach be damned. 

“Too bad titan flesh disintegrates,” Levi remarked, “Otherwise I’d gladly go up against one of them with a fucking knife and fork rather than whatever shitstorm is being prepared in there.”

Eren looked a bit queasy at this declaration, and Mikasa turned to glare at Levi. 

“Hey Armin! You’re a tactician and all- What are the chances of us getting out of this alive?” Reiner asked, thankfully pulling Mikasa’s attention from planning how to make Levi pay for potentially causing her adoptive brother more emotional trauma.

The smaller blond looked nervous. “Well, seeing as we’ve never had Hanji’s cooking before, so there’s really nothing to compare this to, but um, judging by the explosion we heard,” he refused to look up from where he was fiddling with a loose thread on his jacket cuff, “I don’t think it’s quite at one hundred percent.”

“That’s reassuring,” Erwin said dryly. “However, I think we should all be just fi-”

He was interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of breaking glass. There was a muffled whimper of “Squad Leader!” from the distressed Moblit, and everyone present spared him a sympathetic glance.

Erwin adjusted his bolo looking almost nervous. It was a strange thing to see from the usually quite stoic Commander. “Well, in any case, there is less chance of losing limbs and life in this instance as opposed to during our explorations outside the Walls.” 

Then Connie and Sasha were back. “Hanji yelled out the window at us; the food is ready,” Connie said, looking slightly green at the prospect. 

It was with a collectively nervous air that the Scouting Legion trooped back inside the mess hall to meet their fate. Sasha let out a whimper at the sight of the food on the table. It actually didn’t look too bad. Small smiles were shared all around- there was the possibility this could be good after all, despite earlier disquiet. 

Sitting down at the long table, everyone loaded up their plates. Hanji looked thrilled. “Go on then, eat up!” they crowed. People began to pick up their forks. 

“Wait!” Levi ordered. “Eren, you taste it first.”

He was met with incredulous stares. “Wh-what?” stammered the boy in question.

“If it causes you any damage, you’ll heal. Just a safety precaution,” Levi explained, “now, eat the fucking food already so we can determine whether it’s edible or if we’ll all have to just suffer through the shit.”

“Y-yes Heichou!” Eren said, and took a large mouthful of potatoes. 

The effect was instant. Eren’s face turned a deep shade of red as he tried to keep himself from gagging. He forced it down, swallowing multiple times. He coughed a few times and looked up with watering eyes. “Not poison,” he said weakly. “Not poison but not very good either.” 

With resigned sighs, the rest of the room began eating. 

“To think,” Jean remarked, “we lasted through training, and we survived Trost, and now we’re all going to die here.” There was an uneasy murmur of assent from his neighbors. “See you soon, Marco,” he muttered as he raised his fork to his lips. 

Across from him, Sasha was crying. She was eating (albeit rather slowly) with tears running down her face, probably mourning the mess of what had started as meat and now had the approximate taste and consistency of a wooden board. Mikasa was not even bothering to give some of her portion to Eren as she normally would. 

Ymir had scarfed down her food as fast as she could to avoid tasting it and was clutching her stomach. “Not to be crass,” those sitting around her snorted, “ but I think I’m going to be constipated.” There was a pause, and then grudging agreement from a few others. Christa’s angelic features were twisted up as though she was caught between the urge not to offend and the need to gag. 

Even Levi couldn’t keep his face completely impassive. He wore a deep frown as he ate, outright scowling at Hanji when they came up behind him. 

“How is it?” They asked, looking like they cared more about annoying Levi while he was eating rather than his opinion on the food. 

“Brings back childhood memories,” he said curtly. 

“Aww. Thank you, Levi!” 

“Wasn’t a compliment, shitty glasses.”

“It’s good. Thanks, Hanji.”

The sudden silence was so profound that the sound of Erwin’s fork dropping reverberated through the hall. Everyone was completely still, staring in mixed awe and horror at the man who was still eating steadily. 

“You’re welcome, Mike! There’s more if you want, no one else seems to have quite the same appetite today.” 

The man nodded, spurring gasps from most people looking on. Reiner choked on his food and Bertholdt didn’t even drag his eyes off of Mike as he thumped his friend on the back. 

“Is this… because of your nose?” Erwin hazarded a guess, regaining his composure. 

Mike just shrugged. 

Nanaba leaned around him. “That might make sense, actually,” she said, “His olfactory sense overpowers his sense of taste. So theoretically, Mike may only be able to ‘taste’ what he smells.” 

“So… because this all smells like okay food, he can eat it like it’s completely edible?” Connie asked incredulously. “You’re kidding, right?”

Mike took another bite, completely unfazed. 

“That’s an interesting theory, Nanaba,” Hanji acknowledged, their eyes shining excitedly behind their glasses with barely-controlled mayhem, “I think we’ll definitely have to test this out at some point- I wonder what titans taste like- of course there are probably several variables involved, but just imagine-”

Levi clapped a hand over their mouth. Behind Hanji, Moblit looked weary at the very idea of Hanji having a new test subject that would force him to help them collect days worth of data for. Down the table, Eren looked paler than before. Bertholdt looked on the verge of passing out, were it not for Reiner wiping his forehead with a napkin that appeared to have been dipped into his water glass. 

“While that is no doubt fascinating, I do believe we would currently be better off focusing our research on the titans for the time being,” Erwin said. “I’m sure you understand, Hanji.”

Levi made a sound of disgust as Hanji apparently licked his hand. He shoved them away, looking scandalized and wiping his hand on the shoulder of their jacket. “Keep your shitty unsanitary saliva off of me,” he glowered and stalked off towards the kitchen presumably to scrub his hands. 

Hanji looked unperturbed by this interaction and instead gave Erwin a shrug. “Ah well, simple field observations will have to do for now!” They looked at Mike again. “He can scent titans from fairly far off though, so I’m sure we can fit some small tests in somewhere. All completely titan-related, naturally.” Erwin didn’t look convinced, but didn’t press it. 

“Oi, brats,” Levi reentered the mess hall, “Go clean up the huge fucking mess in the kitchen.”

Even faced with the prospect of whatever disaster lay in store in the aftermath of Hanji’s cooking, the newest recruits were quick to scramble from the table in a retreat from the food itself. The other soldiers also stood once Mike had set aside his completely cleared plate. 

Erwin took up the rear of the line out of the hall, but before he could exit the building one of the recruits caught his arm. He turned to see two of the the new recruits standing there looking almost as nervous as they had when Hanji had called the company in to eat. He cocked an eyebrow, wondering what these soldiers could have to say that they would risk Levi's wrath not entering the kitchen immediately when they were told to. 

Sasha and Jean saluted sharply and the girl pleaded, “Please, Danchou, next time there is a need for a replacement to cook, Jean or I can do it!”

“Just please don’t ever let Squad Leader Hanji near the food again. Please,” the boy said, looking somber. 

Erwin nodded. “Duly noted. You should probably return to your cleaning duties before Levi makes you get rid of the leftovers by eating them.”

The new soldiers blanched and exchanged a look before saluting again and rushing back to the kitchen before their absence would be discovered. 

The next day, the usual cook returned from her village and there were no more worries about the food. However, the memory of one man’s resilience to the culinary disaster continued to inspire awe and fear. Even a week later, Mike was still met with looks of slightly apprehensive reverence from the other soldiers and Bertholdt continued to break into a sweat at the mere mention of his name.

**Author's Note:**

> To conclude: don't trust Hanji with cooking and don't trust me writing things. (Over 1,800 words of pure trash. Disgusting.)
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](http://parasolevi.tumblr.com/)


End file.
